I'm looking for my purpose

2008-02-12T16:25:00.000+08:00

Just came across this: "28 things girls should know"
and wanted to share it XD

--Guys hate sluts even though they have sex with them!
(oh yeah..you're not "popular" if you've slept with more than 6 guys..you're a HOE)

--Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

--Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

--Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him

--Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest.

--Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.

--Don't talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend.

--Guys get jealous easily.

--Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think.

--Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.

--Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.

--A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

--Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.

--Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.

--Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if one guy's confused, then we're all confused.

--When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me."

--If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.

--If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you're with your boyfriend, he's probably jealous and likes you.

--When a guy tells you that you are beautiful, don't say you aren't. It makes them want to stop telling you because they don't want you to disagree with them.

--When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

--Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.

--A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

--Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.

--Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.

--Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more.

--If you are going to reject a guy, just do it. Don't say they are like a brother or just good friends, it just hurts even more. Tell them that you aren't interested in a relationship and they will respect you.

--Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.

--When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.

Wow..

2008-01-13T13:14:00.000+08:00

LoL looking back at the last post i really did seem suicidal XP
sorry for any misconception caused XD

anyways i'm always in search of company.. i wonder why? Most of the time i feel quite alone? XD
Hmmm i'm wondering why i'm even typing all these down in this dead blog as they come into my head...

Well, seeing as to how my years of life went by, there weren't no celebration for a decade now.
XD that date is so overshadowed by all the other great events. No sarcasm here. I mean, they are really big events for one and all isn't it?

Valentine's... Chinese New Year... XD Makes it easy for everyone to just miss it i guess.

I don't even mind if they do. Seriously ^^ But what i hate the most probably is my cowardice, or in a better way - how considerate I am-, I'm not afraid to ask for what i want. I know that.

Its just whenever it comes to this time of the year i tend to be a lil' crestfallen. ^^ what happened in recent years only served to make it worse i guess lol

In between these days i only ask for some remembering and some sercurity found in company. ^^

My bros should know that i keep complaining about them not doing much with me last year. XD actually i'm rather satisfied. I just didn't want to seem too contented XD.

We all had a rocky ride in life since we entered poly but i'm glad we still stuck together even in disagreement.

If i had only one of those this year, it would be that no matter what storm looms ahead we will endure them and tough it out.

weird how someone would blog in broad daylight but i'm ending this post here and now XD
rsuhing for my KFC lunch! ^^

Cheerios

2008-01-04T00:10:00.000+08:00

Back to this blog i guess... 'ave been wanting to update this for a long long while. Just never got down to do it.

A lot of things happened, I guess you could say it shook me up and brought me back to whom I was.

Missed a lot of things. Missed Her, Missed the camp, Missed the chance to go overseas, Missed my class gathering.. and a whole bunch of other misses.

What I missed the most is the atmosphere of my family before my brother was diagnosed with cancer.

Its crumbling apart.
The Locks Have Keys
The Blades Are Blind
The Fear Is Mortal
The End Unseen
The Dawn's Far
The Night's Deep

The unknown and uncertainty keeps my heart awake.
The raging seas and falling rain seethes slowly in.
My wall is crumbling apart.
Opened.
Unprotected.

Never got to be a child my age.
And never will be.
Forced Thinking
Coerced Maturity
Imposed Selflessness
Exposed Selfishness

I'm not the me I want to be.
But who is?

This babbling is getting old.
The fear is getting dull.
Thy emotion got rusty
End It.

All I want is a normal family and childhood.
All I want is affirmation and a hug.
All I want is not meant to be.

2007-10-09T22:24:00.000+08:00

^^ My first worry free day in quite sometime ^^
The beach and the sun took away all my worries!
The wonderful nakama of mine really perked me up today! catching crabs, prawn, playing frizbee, burying me (o.o)||| and its just fun XD

AND!

all the guys got crazy over the rubix cube! XP we were like nuts over how leonard solved the cube in under two minutes XD

I learnt from him and i manage to master the ways to solve the first two layers but i cant understand the logic and steps for the third xD

Pics to come REAL soon! ^^

2007-09-30T22:51:00.000+08:00

Haaa!! back from my camp ytd xD I slept like a log from 1pm to 9pm and then from 1am to 9am xDDD

Camp was fun and we had rather intense training on monday, but the rest of the days were rather slack... a lil disappointed actually. xD

Well the BIGGEST disappointment was the late arrival of the bogu... sighs... and i though i can avoid the smelly kote from the club bogu.. zzz

well camp was fun and fun and FUN!! XD

Just one thing i missed out on... FFA.. we didn't have it in this camp. I hope we have it soon!

2007-09-24T23:02:00.000+08:00

Its been a while since i blogged.
I have such mixed feeling right now I dunno how to put it across. I had a tiff with her and it's been bothering me a lot. Hopefully it doesn't affect my training camp tmr (25/09/07~29/09/07)

Its like.. I don't really know what life means for me anymore... its not the tiff that made me feel this way.. when you look at it, death is all that awaits us in the end, the life is only such a small period in the infinite universe.

Its up to you how you fill up your life, but for us modern people, we spend it studying about 1/4 of our lifes. I want to do more and more, so much more, but it seems that i'm bounded by restrictions. There's so many things I wanna do, so many experiences I've yet to have, so many so many other stuffs. But i can't do them all *a sad smile*. I can only try my best, to fulfill each one of them, slowly, one by one.

I wanna leave my mark, in the time and space where i've ever existed, so as not to be forgotten by either man or the continuum alike. ^^ but the fact i choose this road in my life, i've not regretted, even though i cant have all i wished, i got more then what i wanted. Company, friends, experiences i'd never thought i tried, and meeting her. Sitting together playing a simple but silly game of Quao, sitting down together playing dota together, squash, basketball, Eric's house ^^, If i'm not following this road down my life, i'd think i'll regret it more.

So even though i'm upset with one matter right now, this post will remind me, there are so many other things to be glad about.

Thanks to my family, friends and myself.
I love my life ^^

2007-09-16T19:58:00.000+08:00

Sorry I've been compiling my thoughts xD but since they are this short I'll post them all in one xD

12/9/07
The class chalet has been fun ^^ there was a lot of interaction between our class members and its finally feeling like a class for the first time in two years.

I couldn't get over some emotional matters during the chalet though.. i've been thinking.. am i just.. an object?

----------------------------
13/0/07
LoL i don think anyone reads this xD but i'll just continue to put my thoughts here. Naomi seemed rather cold towards me lately... maybe because i'm acting the way i am. But i just can't help but feel a twang of inferiority when ever she mentions sasori..

----------------------------
15/09/07
^^ fun day. I went to visit Waseda Shibuya Senior High School ^^ It was loads of fun and cute girls there, too bad for me they're too young xD kidding XP. but well i ran out of time just as i was about to try on the Jap high school uniforms ); ah well.. got to learn a lil more about jap culture. I'm contented^^

2007-09-10T23:23:00.000+08:00

^^ My holidays up till now hasn't been too bad xD.. well except maybe for last night...
i din know how to be my normal self in front of sasori227 (In a game called TNR) or what ever the number behind is.

I felt sort of belittled and compared... zzz i don quite know why i said all the things i said to naomi.. perhaps to make her jealous or something.. i just don wanna be compared..

ah well ^^

2007-09-04T23:21:00.000+08:00

^^
My holidays started yesterday officially but I can't seem to find any job at fits my schedule.. that sucks, obviously.

Ah well, so as to keep myself from getting bored on the days I have nothing on, I decided to go back to learn drawing manga.

^^ i started drawing while i was like 12? but i dropped it rather hastily xD I'm picking up interest again somehow ^^ so yea hope my holidays are somehow fruitful =p

2007-08-31T22:57:00.001+08:00

^^ YEA EXAMX ARE OVER!!!! THIS WRRRAKSS!! hahaxx

hmm been playing this game ..
a text based ninja game and i meet a really nice girl there hahaxx.
she's called naomi. ^^ really hyperactive and nice and always jumping around. i think i like her you know *blushes* ^_^
the funny thing about me and her ois that i'm able to almost see what's doing sometime..
for example..
she went to do laundry and i had an image of her doing it? co-incidence??

i saw her carrying a pink basket bare footed in her back yard in japan hanging up her clothes..?

you say: so what? i say: everything is exactly correct down to her hair cut that i mentioned.

whats next? i have been hunching on her height for a few days but i always seem to come back and look at the number 167cm.. i told her that and guess what? she is exactly 167cm.

^^ hahaxx too many co-incidences huh?

I'll leave it to the future to tell me that. right now, i am enjoying being around her. tata~

2007-08-21T19:43:00.000+08:00

This few days has been a notes disaster!!! notes all over the place and Mac has been ravaged and overturned by me till the wee hours of dawn!

AHHHHHHH FEAR ME NOTES!!! I"LL MEMORISE YOU IN SECONDS MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

-.- headache sia... i know i can only study at the last minute... but today is especially stressful... MBT to memorise... haiz... too much notes for my brain to "eat"...

Well gtg back to study! Press on soldiers the war has only just begun! 5 more waves till we are home free! decimate them!

(for those with extreme retardness or those who's pentium is only 0.5 --- i just mean "keep working")

2007-08-18T23:38:00.000+08:00

Waaa been gyming quite often the past few weeks, and from ytd's workout i cant even move my legs properly... its like i will fall after every single step... i guess 120kg is too heavy...

Getting very frustrated at Odex... using legal but unethical method to get cash... money grubbers... damned... i'll miss watching my animes... and i'll NEVER EVER BUY FROM ODEX. Lousy quality and charges us like a loan shark...

haiz.. that aside... i haven't touch my notes yet... T_T... better start studying... haiz....

2007-08-10T01:03:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY!!!!! XD Yikes! I am 1hour and 3 minutes too late to say that! lol

today went to see fireworks with suresh and the rest of the kendo peeps but only a few from my batch go... or rather put it this way, only alina eunice and me went for my batch... =.= a bit sad huh?

well so we were to meet at 430 but guess what.. Mk is late by 2 whole hours and we waited like dumb dumbs.. yea most us had our moods messed up for the evening den din really wanted to see the fireworks anymore. but still we went for it and had a hard time looking for a place to see them.

the place we stood can't really see the fire works well and we kinda still had our foul mood on but when the real event started, while i dunno about others, mine lit up instantly XD to see so many people going "wow" *screams* ~hooray~ at the fireworks... i really can't deny the feeling of the united celebration even if it is just a brief few hours every year.

also though i don't dislike taking fireworks pics, i don't really find much sense in them either.
They are works of emotions and creativity meant to be experienced in the wholeness and live. not in separated pics of individual explosion of brilliant stars... pics are but fragments of a dream of the creator XD

if one really wants to record the memory and put it into history, i'd say a recording... but no way will it be as satisfactory as the real deal, the way its really opens up your heart and light up your face as well as your fellow people >_< !

^^ its just the time spent watching main event with my nakama and seeing/hearing the awe and happiness from the crowd that made my day

once again, Happy birthday singapore!

Till next year then!

2007-08-05T00:09:00.000+08:00

zZz Feels damned off this few days... did not even train yesterday.

Today also boring.. went to Eric's house to meet up.. but it ended up all wrong. When i reached there ZR went off and left Kenneth Eric and me at his house -.- gathering? more like splitting..

ahzz... tomorrow got gym but i don't feel like going for it... sianz i know i should do it regularly... but... haiz... feeling too off to do anything about it.

2007-08-02T22:23:00.000+08:00

AAAhhhhh school days are boring.... but i hate holidays even more... cause i don get to do stuff that i want and keep being cooped up at home...

anyways ytd went to gym with alwin and its sorta like a introductory lesson to him. he seemed blur half the time and spends the other half saying "eh i got stuck","i can't move" or something along that line...-.- LoL

well today was irritating for me since i forgotten to bring my report to school and have to rush home to get it... so today i had 4 bus trip which totalled to about 2 hours. -.- could not even have a proper lunch... sianed

Tml a Japanese guy called ishida coming down to kendo and all the girls are going gaga over the prospect of him being a hunk or cutie or whatever they want him to be -.-... well for me? i guess i am upset i haven't been allowed to wear a bogu yet so i cant keiko with him (or anyone else for that matter T_T) sigh..

Yet another boring day

2007-07-28T14:38:00.000+08:00

This was supposed to be blogged ytd but i was too tired and dropped dead after my shower hahaxx~

so yea had a rough day in school, had to reach school at 10 to start my project meeting until 4 in the afternoon (and yes,once again skipping diong's naggy yet uninformative lectures)[wished that AK's the one doing the teaching]. After eating at KouFu with Josh, we went to the clubroom, and boy was it cluttered with bags and belonging, couldn't navigate at all!

Then i went out and started the dreaded task of collecting money for KC... yea here and there.. added up to about 1.6k ytd alone. seems like he gave some wrong information too. XD Lester and David gave about $50 short each =.= horrible task really =.= gotta fear losing the money every second... with Jasmine and Gabriel's joke i went -.- like the anime characters literally.

Not a lot of hiccups after that but during training i think i tied my hakama too tight and had difficulties breathing... Yea tts about it for the day!And today? boring as usual =.= nothing to do. how i wish i can go SKC to train ....sigh...

2007-07-22T19:53:00.001+08:00

Today i went to the Japanese sport festival!!! (or was it carnival...=.=).. It was Fun though i was groggy in the morning due to the lack of sleep... LoL a lot of events like the 7-legged race and Swedish relay, hold the bread and run kinda stuff! XD funny day and a day where there were lots of extremely kawaii kids!!!

Hahaxx, i knew that Japanese were very enthusiastic about anything and everything they set their minds on but today was a total eye opener! They are so friendly and sporting! One of the teams even wore bright yellow wigs to show that they are a team! XD Keep it up!!

hahaxx~ fun day but was kinda irritated that i got sunburns and by the looks of it, i am in for some "pleasure" the next few days T_T. Ouch..... its even starting to hurt abit now.. hope i cope well tmr in training... (and HOPE that NO ONE "TOUCHES" my hands and neck area)

2007-07-21T00:34:00.000+08:00

Tiring day!!! LoL its been quite a while since I had to wake up so early in the morning! (ok.. so 8 is not too early... But its is for me!) Gotta get to school by 10 to start my project meeting! AHhhh boring... especially since I spent last night doing my flow chart...

That aside.. Its Alwin the emo kiddo's birthday! Happy birthday Elmo! O.o I meant Emo. ahhh nvm.. XD So today after my project meeting I went out with the bunch of NYPKC extension club (the DPs) to celebrate his birthday at pepper lunch! After that we went to arcade! Had fun here and there until... The neoprint XD. I don't usually take neoprints and so I was rather reluctant to join at first, but it ended up with me getting high (partly from the 2 chocolate bars I ate earlier on) and adding the digital bunny ears to Glen's head XP

Then we went for kendo training, when training started I knew I made a mistake eating another bar of chocolates before training... I felt SOOOOO thirsty and I was like fanatic for water so when suresh said that the first who completes the fumikomi men cuts can take a water break, I was like a beggar seeing a feast laid out before him and started to rush! I did not make it the first 2 times but suresh said that the next winner will have a mystery prize.. I did not care so much for the mystery prize as much as I needed hydration but I "won" anyway.. SOOOOOO the very kindred suresh gave me 100 hayasuburi... I went blank in my mind for half a sec while looking at him before it registered. =.= But hey, I got to have my drink after all so it wasn't as bad XD.

Yea so I "recieved" the bounty I "deserved" and we went for dinner. All in all, a fantastic day! XD

OOOOhhhhHH ya!!! MK! I WANT TO GO YOUR HOUSE ON NEXT SUNDAY FOR A RAID PARTY! GUYS!!!! JOIN ME!!!!!! XDD . Hey! I'm gonna miss not having you to chat with on the long bus ride home sia! Have fun moving!

2007-07-18T02:18:00.000+08:00

Chocolate kiss

Who doesn't love chocolate...or a kiss for that matter? Picture combining the two and adding some booze. Now that sounds like heaven in a glass. XD can't wait to try this out!

Ingredients

2 oz Vodka - Vanilla
1/2 oz Liqueur - Irish Crème
1/4 oz Chambord
1/4 oz Liqueur - Chocolate

Instructions

Pour all ingredients into a shaker filled with ice. Shake together, but not too vigorously - no more than five shakes should do it. Pour into a chilled cocktail glass and garnish with white chocolate shavings, fresh raspberries or both.

Glass used: Cocktail/Martini

Ooooo lala sounds sexyyyy! XD

2007-07-18T01:07:00.000+08:00

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Try again Give me more

2007-07-14T23:05:00.000+08:00

LoLz This few days, that haven't been interesting, are boring my mind out of my skulk! LoL well I haven't got much to sat except that my results are once again topsy turvy. Those that I did study for turned turned out to be a C+ (Industrial Microbiology) those that I didn't study for I got an A (Microbiology and Techniques)... stupidly weird...

haiz... misunderstandings all around. Too much politics and greed floating around waiting to infect the unwary. A slight breath in any place can drag you into a battlefield of words, fiends and plots. ... Not good. And here I was thinking that I can escape all that when I... nvm... the more I talk the worse I feel.

Next tuesday is yet another battlefield seeing my comrades and the gods that called for the meeting... what ever... I am having half a mind... no I am having 99.999999~% of my mind to skip that session. What's more with AGM coming up I really don't know what will happen in my school life.. if anything happens to kendo.. my life will really be screwed.

Can't help but sigh.

2007-07-02T23:02:00.000+08:00

It's been awhile since i updated my blog... guess i was too tired/lazy or there were just no eventful days.

hahax~ X ) last week was the first week after the break and it was the common test week... I guess i din do too well for any of the tests... though i hope against any silver of hope that i can at least pass all the tests...

Well after Friday's Industrial Microbiology test I can finally sigh a breath of relieve XD... NOW ITS TIME FOR FUN!!! YEA!!! XPPP On Saturday i went out early with Teenage Mutant ~~Ninjia~~ Kendo Ducky (Amanda), KC and other kendo ka to shop for the BBQ we were gonna have later that day!

Ok the shopping went fine... Well I wouldn't really say fine though... we were like a bunch-o-kids running amok the giant supermarket XD choose one thing also must "NO NO NO THIS ONE NO NO NO THAT ONE" XD

The BBQ was quite fun to me i cause i got to interact with my fellow kendo ka otherwise it wasn't really a successful BBQ~... except for the "BURN NASU(jap for egg plant) BURN! POKE HIM WITH THE FORK POKE IT! EH EH TAKE THE FORK OUT!!" part (which sounds a little sadistic hahaxx~)[Nasu (name of a guy) I hope you read this XP]

Hmmm so after about 9 or so most ppl went home and we were left with a bunch of us doing silly stuffs.. and me doing a dirty dance, on a lamp post, in the middle of the pedestrian road due to a dare i received T_T lol (it felt great though XDDD)(they were like freaked out the moment i started dancing.. hmmm i wonder.. was i too good for them or the other way round? XDDD)

Yea so it was uneventful until today which i went for training, yea and a senior which i dunno was my mododaichi(hope i got it right) for the first part of the training.. was kinda embarrassing... I'm not used to being stared right into the eye by a girl... (gotta mention though, I think she has rather attractive eyes)(eh... don get the wrong idea.. I'm just putting my thoughts into words. Nothing beyond that. besides she has a bf) so i stared at the tensen instead (but i couldn't help looking up... =.=)(yea yea so i saw her looking right at me again.. whats the biggie?) and after awhile i think she got the gist that i was kinda affected by the staring thingy..(guess that's the result of training in kendo... you stare down at your opponent and make them feel uneasy...)

training was as usual and it ended without me getting too tired i guess. But this is only the start. I must make myself more disciplined and train at home more often. I am aiming for a spot in the school team! (i might not make it though.. sensing the competition i m facing... sigh) and that's that.

One more thing though, that particular senior that trained with me? i thought she looked kinda upset at something on the bus home... maybe its just me. oh well nights!

2007-06-25T22:55:00.001+08:00

Grr... today's the first day of the test week. hmmm hopefully i'll be able to get a C for ABC at the very least since its not too tough.

OUCH! Dammit! Why do the ants at my house, or rather, on my study desk like to bite me so much!?? Shoots! I receive at least a bite everyday! tt aside i have had diarrhoea for the past three days... feeling kinda bad with the abdomen grumbling every now and then. =.= just today i had 6 runs to the toilet from 9am to 10.40am... "sianed" and today's kendo was canceled for tests although only 3 schools are having them.. feels kinda bored at home studying. (though i ended up watching anime and reading online manga...)

sigh... right i guess thats all ba... going to sleep le. nights.

2007-06-18T02:18:00.000+08:00

XD Today [17/06/2007] is the kendo grading itself and it felt kinda weird XD.

This morning 12am when I tried to sleep one of my friends called me to talk to him on msn and so I did.. Turned out he was emo about relationship problems. And so I talked to him until i realised it was 4am... which was a bit late for the realisation as I was to wake up at 5, so quickly I rushed through some computer stuff and tried to hit the sack at 4.30++am... Then came the dreaded call of the morning alarm... its already 5am! and I barely touched my bed for like what? 10 minutes?!

Haiz well then I grudgedly when to freshen up and go to HG, and what great news... I ended up waiting until 6.20am for Clyde's mother to fetch me to the mrt station. Well I am not blaming anyone at all and it was very very kind of auntie to bring me along too, it's just that if i knew this was coming I could have at least gotten and extra hour of sleep..

Well then after getting on Clyde and I went for breakfast. We had porridge but auntie couldn't find a parking lot and thus couldn't join us.. I feel kinda bad for this.. Thereafter with a few hiccups here and there, we managed to get to the mrt station and was late by 4 minutes? lucky they were still there! XD anyway Luke tried to get there earlier and was kinda locked outside by the security guards XD

So came the test a nervous test for me really and i was having i bad time with my stomach,which i withstood, and a super dry mouth. when i went up i was very stiff, like something you might find out of a freezer.. well maybe half-thawed. I called out my number and name loudly and I though yea... a sigh of relief... until i realised i forgot to raise my hand.. the worse part was when i realised it and made a face and half way through the face making process i remembered NOT to make a face... So what i got was a stiff uncompleted facial expression that seemed like a cross between a duck and someone who smelled elephant poo. =.=

Throughout the whole test sequence though, i was stiff and i knew it... i tried my best to ashisabaki, shomen and hayasuburi but they all seemed to me like they were rusted machines moving slowly with out fluidity... as much as i willed them to move i was stuck in that state all throughout. So i went back thinking that flunked the test...

Then comes the boring part... sitting though 9th kyu to 3rd kyu... my knees were aching like crap... Then into the 2nd kyu, 1st kyu, shodan and other dan's tests things became more interesting. there were kekos and a few were rather inspiring! however for the lower dan's whos' legs were already crying for their mama, those matches probably only served as a distraction from the pain. then lalalala and comes the results.

I said.. " aiya i don want to look so many people! go change first lar!" but in the end i was the first to check it out since i walked past a freshly taped up score sheet on the inside of the dojo. puzzled was i was as to why its in there i went ahead to look. I was expecting an 8th kyu for my below-expectations performance today... BUT I GOT A 6th kyu!!!! A maximum jump of grades for a non-bogu sector! I was overwhelmed and i started jumping around XD... there were a lot of good and bad reactions.. but i don wanna mention them. I just want to apologize to those whom i may have unknowingly hurt by my overjoyed behavior.. Sorry.

The rest of the day was fun until i reached home and a situation occured with me and my dad that made me ****ed up until now... i went out and had a breather den when over to Jay's house to continue with Kekkaishi, the manga, where i left off AGES ago XD feels better now...

And that concludes my day. though there is a lot more i wanted to put down here, but i am feeling far too sleepy from the lack of sleep and thus the laziness XD

Its 2.51am monday 18/6/2007 nights.

2007-06-17T01:49:00.000+08:00

Ahhhhh! Feels kinda good after going out and walking for a bit. Now that I look back at my previous post it does seem a little bit too... well emo so to say. Well.. I dunno.. it just seems to describe my feelings exactly at that moment of time.

Haiz, lets move on shall we? Hmmm today - well, to be exact, yesterday - I went out for a bit to hougang green's lan shop with my brothers - kh and Jay. Really felt kinda good since I haven't gone out during the holidays except for kendo and camp stuffs. Quite a bit of misfortune on me today though, firstly the bus breaks down... then the computers at the lan shop was having a minor emotional trauma... next up when I reached my grandparents' house no one was there...

(ps. I was suppose to go there by six, or so that's what my mum told me... they suddenly canceled it and I wasn't informed... just great huh? They just assumed that each other [sis + mum + aunt] had informed me... I had to walk from HG to my grandparents' house..)

It's just pure irritating... a waste of time really... That over, TODAY IS THE BIG DAY!!! THE DAY OF MY FIRST KENDO GRADING!!!!! WHoOOOOOOoOoOOOoo!.. I'm so excited I don ever think I can sleep! There's this weird feeling in my chest that I cant get rid of. Feels like the kind where you step on the stage for the first time in front of a live audience! Hmmm my form hasn't been good lately and my stamina just don't seem to hold up... And most importantly my Hakama is still too long!!!!! $%&**#... Hopefully I don't need to adjust it too much tomorrow.. I meant later on.. zzzzz I always hate and love this kind of anxious feeling.. It gives me the thrill that I need to pack my day with, but it also leaves me drained at the end of the day.

Oh ya. My sister mentioned to me that one of her friend supposedly died and someone posted up her letter for her on her blog... I was kinda shock initially I admit, but was immediately pissed off the moment I saw her so called last post.

A lot of loopholes in the farce she made up. http://mikibibi.blogspot.com

What was said there was "i'm not the owner of this blog. I am one of her friends ... ***the supposedly last letter*** ... this is the letter that she left behind. kerryn is dead, 15-06-2007, 9.45.34 pm. regrets is forever. now's that she is gone, everything is over. let's pray and let her rest in peace." posted on 9:31pm. 15 June 2007

How many clues, as to this is a fake suicide, can you find in this short paragraph that I lifted verbatim - yes, verbatim even the case (upper case - lower case you get it don't you?) - from her "last" post on the blog?

For starters... notice the time of death and the posting time.. unless the friend can travel through time and get her letter from the future, or that the friend is the murderer, there is no way she can know of the exact timing of death. Notice that she puts it down to the fine details of seconds.

Second, if this is kerryn's blog why would she be bothered to give access to a friend b4 she died?

Thirdly, how can her friend can so calmly post her final letter, when she - her friend that she trusted enough to entrust with the burden of carrying her final words - knows she is still not dead but rather in the process of? this is extrapolated from "now's that she is dead, everything is over. let's pray and let her rest in peace" ... her friend did not even try to help her? or is it just me? SHE STAYED SOMEWHERE COMFY AND TYPED THE POST WHILE HER FRIEND DIES?

Fourth, Ignoring the blaring facts above and supposing they are possible to be done and THAT she is dead, how did the friend come to know it fast enough to even post it on the same night?
Look deeper in between the sentences and think. I said supposing she is dead. If a person is dead the guardians would be grieving and if so.. how would this good friend of hers get his/her hands on the letter? can you link the grieving part and the getting letter part up, or can you?

And IF they did get through the guardians, did you seriously think the police would let any piece of possible evidence get out? Naive... too naive...

Seriously, if I had IQ and EQ like yours? I"D RATHER GO AND DIE!... I mean come on.. if its for a guy that you really love it is also not worth going so far as to die and...

ITS MUCH MUCH LESSER WORTH IF IT MEANS TO FAKE YOUR DEATH AND RESIGN YOUR FRIENDS TO WORRY FOR YOU! I mean.. its YOUR problem NOT your friends, why blow up the matter so big as to burden all your friends? to add on.. you are making those that love you worry because of a guy that does love you no longer?

If you ever come across this, or anyone thinking of playing such a stupid but elaborated plan to test if he/she is gonna turn around and say "Honey!!! OH Darling! My sweetie-pie!! Are you alright? Did you lose enough blood to die?", weigh the god-damned matter of who's more important to you.

Lonely thoughts...

2007-06-14T02:45:00.001+08:00

Its now late in the dead of the night 2.45am... I cant sleep.
I find no purpose in life
Feeling rather empty as I rolled around in my bed feeling bothered by something unknown and the suffocating air. Suddenly I thought of myself not being able to think like i used to, attributing it to not exercising my mind enough since i left NCHS. Now that i think of it... My whole life since poly started and my Brother passed away seemed ever so voided of meaningful thoughts and warm-true-to-the-heart feelings. As I reminiscence about my secondary school life, the life now seemed dull and, if not, dead.
Why is my life wrought with despair?
My past seemed to be filled with activities everyday and when ever i got to rest it would always be a satisfying one. Now? My whole life seemed to be filled with "rests" and "breaks"... I cant take it... There's no warmth at home... I cant seek comfort in poly friends... I cant be so selfish as to keep disturbing my brothers... I cant keep but keep thinking there's no place where i can find solace.
Even I need a firm reassurance every now and then...
Someone.. anyone.. tell me.. what should i do.. I find no motivation for anything.. none at all..
But who will be there?
my life is just a dull reflection of my past.. on-going but not moving forward. A stillness that i cant comprehend and accept. A stagnant stage i cant adapt to... Am i just that useless? I cant move out of my past..
Who will be there to comfort me and show me the way?
I WANT OUT! BUT HOW!? SOMEONE HELP ME... To my friends.. even brothers.. I put up a strong front, the typical confident guy. But i.. what i really am... the softer side of me.. no one sees... there's no one for me to share it with.. I am a human, i have emotions too. I am a human, I too have confusions and dilemmas. buts who's there to share it with me.. i cant find anyone to confide in.. the real reason for starting this blog is as an outlet for my everyday life and emotions..
Why do i only see dismay... and sadness?
Every time, maybe I got too used to acting all confident and brave, I find that no one will approach me to ask hows my life.. A simple "how's it going" would have done enough to brighten my day. It's as if everyone assume that i am worry-free and handle everything that comes my way with ease, so much so that I am an entity outside their realm of care and concern.
Someone bring me out of this tragedy...
sometimes the silent pearls that fall is seen by none
sometimes the lonely soul that screams in silence is heeded by none
sometimes it wonders what is there in life that is worth living for
sometimes... just sometimes...
Someone...

Pushed to the Limit!

2007-06-11T23:27:00.000+08:00

Haiz... I am drooping off to wonderland as I am typing this new post... its 11:28pm now. Just hours before this I had kendo training and I feel really ravaged by exhaustion and fatigue. Its not kendo that made me feel this way. It was only the final straw that my body can take.

Early in the morning today I woke up at around 7am? Haiz gotta get to school by 8.45am and gotta prep my kendo stuffs...

Alright then, off to school. The moment I reached school I knew I was too early... not a soul to be seen in sight. Then so be it... however what din expect was to wait for Yamon until 9.03am? Btw I reached school at 8.20am so do the calculations yourself. Couldn't really blame anyone though, She lived too far and normally takes about 1.5h to reach school but for today she even took a cab down... For me? I am early and being early is nothing to be blamed for... right?

Ok moving on, she opened the door and everyone started moving inside to do some final preparations. My brain was kinda in a hibernation mode still, so as a matter of fact I kinda looked like a dummy standing there looking at everyone ravaging through the piles and heaps of materials for the RDC.

Right then everyone got their stuffs, off to Block P lvl 3... why is everyone still lingering in the club room...? HELLO? Move it guys! Right then, off we went. By the time I reached lvl 3 there were already people there waiting. Looked like a rather quiet bunch... or so I thought! I couldn't really put my heart into believing that the rumored nerdy - sorry year 1 pals - year 1s are actually rather the hype of the day! Its not too bad... ok not bad... OK OK!! With the super enthu. spartan-OGLs/CMs the time I spent with them was as much fun as I've had in months!

A fantastic time I would have to admit, quite a few cute faces too XD as opposed to the things that I've been hearing. Yeap all in all a fun time until I had to break off with the group to set up the Treasure hunt item. Its irritating enough just to do the clue cards, much worse was the Route Plan sorting! Saiful and I did it once... error... ok check... done... cont... error... check... done... error.... GOODNESS knows how long we took to sort the thing out! I really wonder what kind of super inhumane will power Saiful has that that point of time!

Was getting kinda worried by then about not being able to set up the TH before I went off for kendo. Boy... was I right in worrying.. but instead of the TH, I should be more worried that I will nearly faint in kendo later on.

In kendo after about 30 minutes into the warm up, I was starting to feel the effect of not having a proper lunch and break fast. Ya and ... well... coerced by situation into not having dinner at all. Hmm of firstly I felt giddy and Gabriel asked for me whether I can take a water break. As quickly as I could, which was only walking, I went to take a sip at the water cooler. I felt better and started training again, only to feel worse and worse. It was not until I had a cramp in my toes that I squatted down and was asked to take a break outside the dojo (squash court).

When I bent down to stretch my leg that I felt a wave of light-headedness smack me in my face. I almost crumpled right there and then, but somehow I managed to remain balanced. After awhile, they had their first break and I was rather sulky not being able to train fully. I stood up and all I knew was a blank. I remembered that I could still take in visual cues, but I have not the faintest idea of what I saw back then. Well that's that, then as the stubborn me tried to force my way to the water cooler, I was hit by at least two waves of fainting spell and barely managed to get there panting like I had never taking in a breath before.

KC tried to ask how I was out of good will and gave me a light pat, but to me who was bending over trying to breath for my life, it felt like shove by a heavy weight lifter. The next thing that I knew I was tilting slightly over, then more and more until I just realised that I was falling and tried to grab KC's hand that patted my shoulder. But my feeble grip, or more like touching his hand, could not grab on and started stumbling backwards, and hitting the wall behind me and sliding down into a heap of panting gi and hakama.

After that they helped me back to the outside of the dojo, where I stayed for QUITE a long while. Then more and more people began feeling ill and started coming out to sit with me. Funny how diseases seem to like to strike at Singapore all at the same time. Then I decided that it was enough resting for me, and the others seemed to think the same, so in we went into the dojo.

This is the most interesting part of the day for me. As soon as i got in we sort of had a mini tournament between the two split halves of the juniors. Slowly as the pairs started to compete and end, I realised that I was an extra sum, an unexpected additional member of my side of the juniors. As soon as we reached the second last pair, it seems like my fellow kendo ka finally realised that I had no partner. It was when my CPT side junior started pointing at Nabil Senpai. I shook my head rather vigorously denying him and hoping that Nabil will not be my "partner".

Soon it reached the last official pair, and when Nabil thought it was over, I was relieved. That was a short-lived relieved, perhaps the shortest I've known my entire 18 years of existence, a mere split second. He smile and the horrified me smiled feebly and shook my hand... I was kinda sure that it seemed more like a wave to him though... Then he pointed to himself and I smiled, in nervousness and anxiousness, and kinda splatted myself on the wall for abit before standing at the middle facing him.

Its miraculous how all my anxiousness was gone only to be replaced with a firm determination and iron will to do my best in my first, though unofficial, match against Nabil. Had it been anyone else, I think I would not have done as best as I did today. So the match started, he seemed so full of confidence and smiling lightly, whereas I only felt a stone face and saw perspiration raining down on my gi. I tired my best but I could not concentrated on my first few strokes of Shomen. Then I remembered - I was tensing too much and was attempting speed instead of perfection. It was then I felt my strokes became more fluid and lighter with better Tenouchi. Though I barely noticed then, there was a round of cheers for me and encouragements.

Next up was the Hayasuburi. I only remembered that I was attempting to do it well when Nabil upped his shouting and tempo, unconsciously I brought myself to try and overwhelm his voice and match his tempo, then it ended. I was still in a solemn mood when KC cheekily came and declared that I won. This hilarious move broke the competitive atmosphere and everyone began laughing out loud and I do mean it. Even Nabil thought it was funny and smiled and went forward and tried to playfully hit KC on his butt XD. After that we greeted each other and started normal practice until the end of the training. During this time I had a sudden awareness of my arms feeling like lead and wouldn't move.

Well, that's all for the training. Btw Josh sorry I was being rude by not replying you when you asked about my wrist. It's causes I was in a hurry to get home when I was still feeling ok. I didn't want to end up in a hospital because I fainted in the middle of the road. And again I am sorry. I am really tired today.

Tired I maybe, but it can be said to be my day of the most fun and funny moments since my Year 2 in MB started.

Tired.

Its 12.41am now.

Tired.

Nights!

First post

2007-06-10T19:26:00.001+08:00

Haiz after a long time of not blogging, finally a new blog. Speaking of which, Josh who was supposedly to help me make this blog was no where to be seen =.= lol

Haiz, since school started until now I feel like I havent been able to put much effort in anything that I've done or is still currently working on. Well... maybe except kendo which I find to be my only motivation to continue attending school.

Hmmm Tomorrow is the so called "much awaited" RDC, which whilst I am a co-in-charge, I am not so motivated to attend. ZzZz sianz tomorrow I have to reach school at 8.45 am and will only get off after 9.30pm? RDC and kendo together is something like a pure hell of physical activity?

That said however, I rather look forward to Kendo practice. XD I think I found a way to do hayasuburi more efficiently (well at least for me it feels smoother and faster).

Right now at my house my gang of brothers are playing majiong and making one hell of a ruckus XD. Ruckus it maybe but I haven't feel more at home since the passing of my late brother, even my mother came on in to join the fun and played a round XPPP. Maybe its the lack of activities at home that makes the ruckus feels heart-warming...

Right then! Gotta hit the sack soon now XD