Lonely thoughts...

Its now late in the dead of the night 2.45am... I cant sleep.
I find no purpose in life
Feeling rather empty as I rolled around in my bed feeling bothered by something unknown and the suffocating air. Suddenly I thought of myself not being able to think like i used to, attributing it to not exercising my mind enough since i left NCHS. Now that i think of it... My whole life since poly started and my Brother passed away seemed ever so voided of meaningful thoughts and warm-true-to-the-heart feelings. As I reminiscence about my secondary school life, the life now seemed dull and, if not, dead.
Why is my life wrought with despair?
My past seemed to be filled with activities everyday and when ever i got to rest it would always be a satisfying one. Now? My whole life seemed to be filled with "rests" and "breaks"... I cant take it... There's no warmth at home... I cant seek comfort in poly friends... I cant be so selfish as to keep disturbing my brothers... I cant keep but keep thinking there's no place where i can find solace.
Even I need a firm reassurance every now and then...
Someone.. anyone.. tell me.. what should i do.. I find no motivation for anything.. none at all..
But who will be there?
my life is just a dull reflection of my past.. on-going but not moving forward. A stillness that i cant comprehend and accept. A stagnant stage i cant adapt to... Am i just that useless? I cant move out of my past..
Who will be there to comfort me and show me the way?
I WANT OUT! BUT HOW!? SOMEONE HELP ME... To my friends.. even brothers.. I put up a strong front, the typical confident guy. But i.. what i really am... the softer side of me.. no one sees... there's no one for me to share it with.. I am a human, i have emotions too. I am a human, I too have confusions and dilemmas. buts who's there to share it with me.. i cant find anyone to confide in.. the real reason for starting this blog is as an outlet for my everyday life and emotions..
Why do i only see dismay... and sadness?
Every time, maybe I got too used to acting all confident and brave, I find that no one will approach me to ask hows my life.. A simple "how's it going" would have done enough to brighten my day. It's as if everyone assume that i am worry-free and handle everything that comes my way with ease, so much so that I am an entity outside their realm of care and concern.
Someone bring me out of this tragedy...
sometimes the silent pearls that fall is seen by none
sometimes the lonely soul that screams in silence is heeded by none
sometimes it wonders what is there in life that is worth living for
sometimes... just sometimes...
Someone...